Are You Making Love or Just Having Sex?
A Philosophical Guide to Enduring Love and Sexual Intimacy
By Elliot D. Cohen
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About This Book
In making love, one is elevated beyond the carnal desires it satisfies. For the religious, it is Divine; for those who are not religiously inclined, it is still a spiritual experience, one of seamless solidarity, a unity of two as one that defies mere orgasmic stimulation. You don’t have to make love to have sex. Even strangers can be sexually attracted and have an orgasmic escapade. But in the act of making love, there is symbolic meaning that is felt through-and-through the sex act. Two in love are joined, in life, and the sexual expression of this unison is deeply felt in the sex act itself. This is sexual intimacy, the making of love, the likes of which is rarely, if ever, seen outside a loving relationship. There is no escape from the philosophical dimensions of such a loving relationship. It is as abstract as it is concrete in the ideals that ground it. There is a mystery about it, a kind of transcendent experience that defies translation into words. Making and being in love are thus joined at the hip. Loving relationships make the bed in which true lovers sleep.
Unfortunately, many relationships flounder or never get off the ground. Just having sex may ease the tension, but it then becomes a means, not truly an end-in-itself. The moment the sex act ends, the couple may retreat and fall into discord. It is an oasis in a barren desert that provides temporary relief, a titillating, temporary escape from reality. This book can help you to overcome the obstacles, the unlovable habits that encumber your relationship, both inside and outside the bedroom. It can help to create the harmonic balance between your sex life and other aspects of your personal and interpersonal relationships, which are preludes to making and being in love.
To accomplish this, it applies a five-step method based on Logic-Based Therapy & Consultation (LBTC), a popular form of evidence-based, philosophical counseling modality. First, it introduces you to six types of unlovable ways of thinking and acting and helps you to identify the ones that may be sabotaging your own relationship. Second, it shows you how to counter these self-defeating habits with certain lovable goals (“virtues of love”). Third, it helps you to identify and embrace a personal “love philosophy” that empowers you to reach for your lovable goals. Fourth, it provides core philosophical ideas that are key to any successful quest for romantic love. Fifth, it helps you construct a behavioral plan that applies your philosophies to making constructive changes in your relationship. The latter may require making changes both inside and outside your relationship. Thus, this book also shows you how the problems you are having in one area of your life (at work, in your social life, etc.) can affect the quality of your relationship, inside and outside the bedroom, and it offers guidance, including self-improvement exercises, to overcome these impediments and attain enduring love and sexual intimacy.
Reviews
Are You Making Love or Just Having Sex? is more than just a book on sex and relationships. It's a practical guide that unveils the profound difference between physical intimacy and deep emotional connection. It combines philosophical insights with hands-on exercises and videos making it an essential read for anyone seeking a truly fulfilling relationship. Successfully demystifying the intricacies of love and sex, it offers transformative steps to achieve enduring love and sexual intimacy. Dive into this compelling journey to discover the secrets to a more meaningful and passionate relationship!—Himani Chaukar, Ph.D., Philosophical Consultant, Associate Professor and Head, Department of Philosophy, Ramnarain Ruia Autonomous College, Mumbai, India.
If you have been looking for love in all the wrong places, this primer on romantic love is the book for you! Cohen proposes virtuous character traits to counteract the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral impediments that are keeping you from enjoying a lasting loving relationship. Complete with supporting philosophies and experiential exercises, this book will help you develop the “lovable habits” that lead to true love.—Laura Newhart, Ph.D., Professor of Philosophy, Eastern Kentucky University, USA.
Love remains a mystery despite extensive debate. In his new book, Cohen argues that true love transcends mere sexual attraction, requiring a blend of emotional, intellectual, and philosophical engagement. He bridges abstract concepts with practical advice, emphasizing the importance of virtues, self-improvement, and philosophical reflection. Rich with wisdom from Eastern and Western philosophies, this book provides a compelling guide for cultivating authentic, lasting love and offers tools to navigate the evolving journey of true intimacy.— Xiaojun Ding, Associate Professor, Department of Philosophy, School of Humanities and Social Sciences, Xi’an Jiaotong University, Xi’an 710049, China.
This book is a passionate and beautifully written self-helping guide to finding authentic romantic love. By aptly adapting the instruments he developed within his deeply original Logic-Based Therapy to the issue of romantic love, Cohen astutely identifies the main cognitive–behavioral obstacles or “dysfunctions” that hinder the attainment of what he calls “the beauty of an enduring love.” A wonderful guide for all seekers of the joy of full love.— Florin Lobont, Full Professor of Philosophy at the Department of Philosophy and Communication Sciences, West University of Timisoara, Romania.
"Beautiful and insightful, this book draws on Elliot D. Cohen's philosophical acumen to show how to remediate romantic relationships that are somehow incomplete, by using cognitive–behavioral approaches to generate the emotional and behavioral lift needed to enable love to take flight."—James Stacey Taylor, Department of Philosophy, The College of New Jersey, USA.
Dr. Cohen's insightful book offers practical advice that puts music and lyrics to the dance between love and sex. He shares cognitive–behavioral methods and sages’ wisdom, providing a clear path to making deep, intimate connections while avoiding the pitfalls of relationship-wrecking manipulations. This book is a must-read for those seeking more than fleeting passion, offering a hopeful outlook on building a happy, durable, intimate relationship.—Dr. Bill Knaus, Former Director of Postdoctoral Training, Albert Ellis Institute, USA. (Therapist, professor, multi-time best-selling author, one marriage, 48 years, two sons.)
Elliot Cohen's latest book explores the complexities of romantic love and sexual intimacy, masterfully blending cognitive–behavioral understandings with timeless philosophical wisdom. Whether you're navigating a long-term partnership or seeking new love, Cohen's profound insights will enrich your understanding and experience of romantic relationships. An essential and delightful read for anyone.— Laurențiu Staicu, Professor, Faculty of Philosophy, University of Bucharest, Romania.
In this insightful book, readers are guided on a transformative journey that identifies the primary cognitive–behavioral challenges hindering the development of deep, enduring love. The author masterfully reveals how these obstacles can be transcended through a shift in perspective, replacing self-centeredness and needless anxiety with empathy, serenity, and courage. Through timeless wisdom drawn from sages and philosophers, the book introduces "love philosophies" that empower individuals to cultivate authentic love and reshape their relationships positively. This work stands out by offering a cognitive–behavioral approach grounded in philosophical wisdom, encouraging readers to select the philosophies that resonate with them personally rather than dictating a one-size-fits-all solution. By focusing on what enriches rather than diminishes, this book is a valuable guide for anyone seeking lasting love through a holistic, transformative approach. Guy du Plessis, Researcher, I-System Institute for Transdisciplinary Studies, Utah State University, USA; Faculty, Institute for Advanced Psychotherapy, Loyola University Chicago, USA; Author of Building Recovery Resilience: Addiction Recovery and Relapse Prevention Workbook, Cambridge University Press, UK.
"Beautiful and insightful, this book draws on Elliot D. Cohen's philosophical acumen to show how to remediate romantic relationships that are somehow incomplete, by using cognitive–behavioral approaches to generate the emotional and behavioral lift needed to enable love to take flight."—Department of Philosophy, The College of New Jersey, USA.
Author Information
Elliot D. Cohen, PhD (Brown University) is an author, philosophical counselor, Fulbright scholar, and professor at Florida State University College of Medicine. He is a principal founder of philosophical counseling in the United States and lectures worldwide in the field.
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